Chasing Cornfields

Out of my Hands and into His.

Tonight I am at a bit of a loss for words to write, but yet I feel the need and the urge to do so.

I am coming to a sort of crossroads in life as 40 approaches me next year, and I am feeling a sort of mid life crisis I suppose.

My health is not what it used to be, and though I continually strive to improve it, I am finding my body is falling apart faster than I can put it together at times.  Tomorrow I have an appointment once again with my doctor, and this time to discuss my chronic burning gut, a possible ulcer, definitely GERD, and what we are going to do about it.  Ages ago, I had a hiatal hernia repair that cost me a four inch long keloid scar on my abdomen that looks like I was gutted.  I died on the operating table during this ‘minor’ surgery, and had to be bagged and resuscitated back to the land of the living.  I do recall the entire event, and trust me when I say Heaven is a Glorious place!

I have had a constant battle with my cholesterol which I have only recently gotten under control, and I am conscientiously trying to lose weight and improve my overall health.  I am tired of feeling bad about myself, my body image, etc.

I have other crossroads… my children are almost all teenagers now, except the youngest.. the second to youngest only a year or so away… and my oldest is a year away from leaving home for college.

I am witnessing one of my siblings make horrible decisions that continuously screw up hers and her child’s life and I’m only able to sit and watch.  I can’t change things and its not my place to do so, and though I love her, I can’t allow myself to get involved anymore or be hurt anymore by her actions and her poor decisions. Sometimes it’s hard but the best thing is to walk away.  It doesn’t mean I don’t love her. It means I simply can’t be a part of it anymore.

Perhaps someday when she has grown up in every way and has straightened out her life for the better that will change.

I am struggling because I see my mother struggling.  I have done what I can and I know she knows I’d do more if I could, but it hurts that I can’t do more for her.  She gave me life, she gave us kids her all growing up, and I wish I could do more for her.  I hate to see her hurt and struggle.  I just have to do what I can and put it in God’s hands and pray he’ll help her find a way back to the top, where I will see her laugh and smile again.

So much on my mind, so much on my heart and not much I can do about any of it, but place it in invisible hands.  I am not very strong of Faith,  it is one of my own struggles.  I am trying though, and so I give it all over to Him. Let it be what it will be… and let him do with it all what he will and I pray it all has good outcomes.

Photo Manipulation by Crystal Boudreau