Soggy

Today was a foggy, soggy day.   Rain and fog over top of melting muddy snow piles makes for one big mess.  My red truck looks brown, looks like I went mudding in 4 wheel drive.

But I can’t complain, it’s warmer than 20 degrees or lower, it’s almost Spring!  I don’t mind the rain despite the mess, I love the scent of a good clean spring rain. It makes me long for planting stuff and watching flowers grow. I long to cut the grass, have cookouts and go camping.  I long for warm lazy days of Spring and Summer time.

Valhalla Dreams by KRH

Today was a pretty good day all around.  I was able to get a project for work nearly fully completed.  I had  half a day off work, and was able to help my wife out around here some, as she’s coming down sick.

I am wanting to write a post on something more serious but I think I’m going to come back to it later tonight as I’m still gathering my thoughts.

But check out the website of my friend Kimberly Rae Hansen.  She’s the artist responsible for the artwork displayed here tonight.  She does Fractal art and even has a line of watches out featuring her designs.

Manic Monday

Today was a chaotic Monday.  I had forgotten how chaotic Monday’s at a bank can be.  I haven’t worked a Monday in a while. Being short handed only made Monday that much more Manic.

I did however get a lot done, and got assigned a couple of projects that I am hoping will turn into promotional possibility… that could keep me there and keep me from seeking employment elsewhere.  I need to make more money and that is going to entail either a promotion or finding a different place to work.

Today I have to admit I was on my game, even if a little sudafed was a part of the reason for my boost. I think I’m trying to come down with the flu bug that has bitten three or four coworkers now (boss went home sick today) and has definitely bitten my youngest child who has been battling high fever for three days and now my wife.

Despite the stress and mania of Monday at the bank, I managed to keep my head on straight and keep my spirits up, even maintaining a sense of humor.

One of my coworkers in a panic came to me because the only working Fax and Printer was not working.  “Can you Fix it!?” she asked in a panic.

“I can try,” I answered, “but I think I left my Bob the Builder hat at home.”

She didn’t think I was funny… but humor gets me through my days.

Things were good, for a Monday, til I get home and then the thoughts kick in full gear… and the roller coaster I’ve been on for the past few days catches up to me without the distractions of work to block it out, to keep me from giving in to it.. and tonight it hit me like a ton of bricks on the way home.  It was all I could do to get upstairs to melt down in private.

I’m a very private person in my general day to day life, despite having a blog and putting so much ‘out there’.  There are still a lot of things people don’t know about me, and I keep private.

I have some struggles with change…and right now there is a bit of it going on around me and within me.

I am trying to be  a better friend, a better spouse, a better parent in so many ways and part of me wonders if it will ever even be noticed, and it doesn’t matter if it’s mentioned or acknowledged so much as I at least want those I love to see me in a different light, a better one.

My Blog find of the day.

I have been on a blog hunt these days. I am hooked on reading other people’s blogs, but not just anyone and everyone’s blogs.  They have to catch my interest, keep it and be something I want to come back to over and over again.

I have been getting some great suggestions from friends. I have also been networking more and more on Twitter and discovering other authors, other writers and even some literary agents.  I have found a whole new world of connection since finally allowing Twitter into my universe.

I was afraid to use it for a while, afraid of it for various reasons, but I’m glad I changed my mind about it. It’s become an awesome tool for communication and networking.

I started out with 5 blogs in my Google Reader. I now have 42. I also have a few twitter feeds.

My plan is to put the favorites in a Links Page on this blog soon.  I keep finding new ones though, so it could be a long work in progress.

Today I decided to share one of the blogs I found.  This blog was shared to me by my wife who found it from Anderson Cooper’s Twitter.

Esoph’s Fables is a blog about a man’s journey into Cancerland.  This man has recently been diagnosed with cancer and the way he’s chosen to document his journey is all at once creative, interesting, poignant, and moving on as my wife puts it ‘on a cellular level’.  It has caught my attention in a way that no other blog has at this moment.  His story told in a metaphor of moving to another land, which I can fully see after reading his words why it would feel that way.

Today I went and read the entire blog start to finish.  My favorite entry is called Climate and It’s Effect on the Senses.The post really hit me hard.  It is a call to attention for anyone taking this life for granted, taking Time for granted.  I won’t paraphrase it or give it to you, go read it for yourself.

For someone like me who has a lot of empathy with others, this blog pulls me in to his world in a way that I can’t even describe to you. I find myself praying for him now, and I hope that his journey takes him back to the land of the Healthy United States someday.

Mixed bag of a Morning.

A feeling of relief washes over me today in some ways… because it’s always a good thing when one is heard and listened to at the same time and yes there is a difference.

It is good to know that there are some things like true unconditional love and friendship still out there.

Woke up this morning to a mixed bag… Mosie, our youngest has the flu… but something I’ve been trying to resolve all week resolved itself last night.

So a mixed bag.

Mosie has a fever of 103 off and on, and I woke up to her ‘barking’ cough.  Her nose is stuffy, so is her chest, so I got her up and medicated her for fever, gave her a lukewarm bath to break it, then snuggled her up on the sofa with cartoons.

Today is a busy run run day. We have to make the weekly dreaded trip to Wal Mart for food.  I hate the place, but the only reason I shop there is for food items.  We have a very strict budget supporting such a large household and it just makes more sense.

The weather is yuck.  Rain and fog means lots of mud and muck.  But to get to Spring you have to suffer the transition.

I did manage to get six chapters of edits done on Ruthless yesterday despite distractions.

Also managed to watch a movie with my family, “Inglourious Basterds”.  Which I don’t recommend by the way.  It was absolutely asinine.  Brad Pitt was the only ‘funny’ part of the film and he wasn’t ‘that’ funny.

I am hoping this headache and achiness I woke up with has nothing to do with my child having the fever and flu… but the cough I myself just barked is not a good sign.

Pre-writing Dump.

I want to write. I want to work on novel number two, but I have so much on my mind, in my heart that I can’t focus, so I’m going to dump it right here, right now!

So this is about as far as I got last year too.  This is the place where I say, no more 365 because it’s become more of a chore than a pleasure.  I simply don’t always have a photo for my day, especially when the bulk of it is spent in a box at a bank counting other people’s money.

I will still post a daily post, and sometimes they’ll have pictures.  I’m committed to the daily writing, even if it’s drivel.

I guess the idea of the project blog was appealing but the reality of it is in fact quite boring.

This is just one of many things occupying my thoughts today.

I am going to write a post soon about a book I’m reading. It’s called “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff in Love” by Richard Carlson and Kristine Carlson.   It has a lot of good advice for anyone in any kind of relationship, not just romantic ones.  It’s not teaching me anything I don’t already know. It’s simply reminding me how to be more tolerant, more patient, and easier going: to not sweat the small stuff.

Recently a family member hurt me with words.  They didn’t see or understand how they hurt me, but anytime you put a negative statement about someone in front of a  ‘but I love you anways.’ or  “I love you but…’ you are totally ruining that statement of love.  Don’t qualify your love for someone, it has “hidden agenda written all over it,” as the Carlson’s point out.

This person doesn’t like something about me but they love me anyways.  That’s nice.  It still hurt. The part that hurt the most is it was done in a public forum. Yet I don’t go around pointing out their flaws and the things I don’t like but love about them anyways about in ANY means, public or otherwise. I could have come back with “I don’t like that you are a judgmental… blah blah blah… but that would be stooping to a level I’m trying to rise above.

But that is for another post, but this is” a get it off my mind so I can move on with my writing” kind of post.  Sometimes I just have to put things out there, get them off my chest and out of my way so I can focus.

Also on my mind this day was something I tried to do but failed at.  I tried to reveal to  someone something deeply private and deeply personal and somehow I’ve failed because I am sort of a coward and trying to find a way around just bluntly stabbing it out there, I tip toe and I am vague.  So it’s not their fault, it’s mine, but perhaps it simply means that timing isn’t right or that I need to let whatever happens happen, and go with it.  But my fear there is again the ‘judgment’ issue.  I worry this person will see me in a negative light, or will not like this other thing about me, and will even outright reject it, call me crazy as I have experienced with others in my life, and that would be the end of things.  I could not endure that. So I will just let it be and let it somehow work itself out if it is meant to… but wow. Again just another way for me to work on patience perhaps.

So far nothing has turned up on the job seeking front.  I have put out some applications and will be redoing my entire resume next week to see if that gets me some nibbles.

One last thing… something amusing came up on my twitter.  One of the other writers I follow and that follows me posted a thank you for my FollowFriday for him and then wondered aloud why I chase corn since it’s usually stationary.  So-o, I thought I would put the title of my blog into a little perspective for my readers, as I do seem to have a few more these days and my wife inconveniently left off my tagline in the redesign.

My tagline originally read: Follow me…where my mind wanders like roads meandering through the countryside, chasing cornfields and sky.

It will again when she fixes it.

I live in Iowa.  Iowa is one of the few states you can probably drive across from either direction and never leave a gravel road except to cross a highway to the next.  Everywhere is cornfields… so no matter where you go in Iowa you’re always chasing cornfields… and thus my title.

Now this mish mash is posted and off my chest and out of myhead and now I’m off to focus on some Ruthless (my second novel for those who don’t know).

Low.

There is no photo today.

I worked over 9 hours and was on my feet more than ten hours today so I didn’t really have an opportunity for snapping a shot of anything.

If I were to, perhaps it would be my aching feet.

I got some good news today.  My stomach biopsies were benign and clean.  Now just hope this diet and medicinal regime works.

Tonight I’m tired.  Too tired to think but my mind doesn’t stop regardless.  Have tried to get some things out in various ways, but not sure that it matters or that anything will ever come of it. Too tired to be vague and revealing all at once as is my tendency.

I’m mentally wiped out and emotionally exhausted and all I want to do is curl up and zone out.  But tomorrow I work again, and not much of a weekend for me, with overtime this week.

At least it pads the pocketbook, I suppose.  Sometimes it’s hard to feel your main worth is monetary, and sometimes it’s hard not to feel that way, especially when I’m low.

So while it isn’t much in the way of writing, at least I’m putting words on this digital paper barely even 200 I’m sure, but it’s better than none.

63/365: Duality

my tat as photographed by Crystal Boudreau

This is the tattoo I have on my right shoulder.  I got it because it is symbolic to me of duality.  In finding balance in ourselves duality plays a huge role.  To some this is called the Yin and Yang.   I know that that can be a very spiritual thing and is actually part of some people’s religious beliefs.  I am not a religious person, though I am a spiritual one in more ways than probably anyone knows save for those closest to me.

The sun and the moon: two sides, two aspects.  Dark and Light.  Male and Female. Night and Day. Some could even throw in good and evil, but I don’t believe that we all have evil in us in it’s truest form.

Yet Duality isn’t necessarily so black and white.  There are the in between shades of grey.

This duality to me is so vital in finding the balance in my life in every way.  I am so very aware of it that balance is necessary or I feel entirely off kilter.

The past few days, weeks, even months have found me trying to find balance in my life, in various areas of my life.  So today I am pulled to write about it as my post of today.  It is an ongoing process, day to day; day in and day out.

Today I feel closer than usual in finding that balance.

2012- Reaction

We just finished watching the DVD of the film 2012.

I sat mesmerized and horrified all at once, and know that probably on some level a polar shift is possible in our earth’s future, to what extreme I have no possible way of knowing.  Of course special effects speed it up and make it an instant disaster as was the film The Day After Tomorrow, when climate change sped up a hundred years or more.

My kids ask, could it happen?  Could it? Probably.  As instantaneous as portrayed in a film, not even close to likely, but I have Faith in a God who is capable of anything in recreating His paradise.

In talking about it further and thinking about it… really there isn’t enough water on the earth to have that kind of tsunami effect simultaneously global wide.  Not only that but solar flares would fry the surface of our earth long before it could melt the core.. and then who is to say our core isn’t already molten?  Do we really know?  All science can do is speculate. No one has been to the core of the earth… no one has had the capability to even DRILL that far.

Could we be smart enough and have foresight enough to build arks to save mankind much less animals?  Could our world’s nations be compassionate enough and selfless enough to open to each other and collaborate.  That is the doubtful part to me.

For while I have ALL the Faith in the world, no, in the Universe in an unseen “God”.  I do not have much Faith in Mankind in General.

Climate change is occurring, call it whatever you want but regardless it is happening, and will continue to do so.

The earth has been an ever changing sphere since long before Mankind was set upon it’s surface. What makes us arrogant enough to think it will cease to alter and change with us on it?   Why would we think that even God would give us that mercy when we’ve destroyed His most precious gem with our wars and our selfishness and our destruction? Mercy will have the price of suffering.  We are not immune to the passage of Time or the changes it wreaks upon our home planet.

Will the earth end in 2012? I don’t know.  No one can know.  Could we be in the End Times?  We could be, and some say we are.  The question is how long do they last?

I don’t know that it will ever be in my lifetime, and perhaps that to me is a relief, but I have seen enough in this lifetime to know that anything can happen.

wallpaperez.com scene from the film.

Self.

The past couple of days have been rough in some ways, but very good in others.  My wife and I have had a lot of alone time and some great snuggle time, and some heart to heart time.

We have been talking a lot about our dreams individually and as a couple. We have both admitted that we are unhappy with various aspects of our lives.  However we are not unhappy in our relationship in any way.  Though things have been hard around us and in every other aspect of our world for a long time, it has only really brought us closer together as a couple.

There have been those in recent years who have tried to tear us apart.  They have not ever succeeded.  There always will be people like that I suppose.  They come and go. We remain.

We have been talking a lot about things like being true to oneself. It is a really difficult task sometimes to do, especially when so many others and other things pull you in so many different directions.

I am a complex being. Not that all people are not, but this is about me, not you. (sorry)  I have a lot of things about me that no one but her knows.  There are things about me that no one but her (and maybe a select handful) could accept and ever understand.  She sees the real thing, the real deal within and beyond all else.

taken in 2000 by Crystal Boudreau

I struggle with hiding and revealing all at once.  I want to sing out in my voice and not give a care who thinks what about it.  I want to speak as I speak and be as I am and not worry someone will think or judge me for being myself.

This is not an easy place for me to be… but I make do. And for many years now I’ve been hiding and being other than I am to please the majority… not being true to myself.  I have to change that and it is not easy and it is something I do with some trepidation and some fear.

But she loves me, and that keeps me going and she misses ME as I am, in my truest self.  So from here on out I have decided to find a way to be known and be me all at once, even if not understood.

It doesn’t matter if they know, realize or even understand.  The ones that matter will.

62/365: Numbers

Today was a busy day, full of numbers. I work in a bank full time, while trying to jumpstart my real dream of being a published often and successful writer.

Today on my feet for 9 hours, no lunch (we were short staffed) tonight I feel like something the cat dragged out from under the refridgerator and left in pieces at the foot of my bed.

I’m not really up to writing, but I have this discipline to do so, and this 365 project, while ridiculed by so many ‘professionals’ is one way I do that. I force myself to write every day even if it’s trivial and means nothing to anyone else but me.

I did have an idea where to go with this post, but I’ll be honest, I’ve been interrupted FIVE TIMES in the last ten minutes by children old enough to fend for themselves and all to tell me trivial stuff that could by all means wait til I’m not sitting in front of my wordpress.

Numbers are what I deal with all day, monetarily.  What I’d like to be dealing with all day, every day are numbers of words per story, per article– numbers of page views, numbers of click throughs and comments.

But for now, it’s not even close to a numbers game so I persevere.  So while my writing sucks tonight and didn’t go far..  my better half had a very productive day on her blog (Blissful Chaotic) …. check it out. You won’t be disappointed.