Chasing Cornfields

Today is chaotic in it’s ways… preparing for even the smallest wedding is time consuming, expensive and at times nerve wracking… but it is all so very worth it.

I have waited nine years for this day, since the day she stepped off the bus and into my arms for the first face to face meeting… from the day ten years ago when I told her that I loved her even before we’d met.

Since then we’ve been through thick and thin, sometimes thicker and sometimes thinner… we’ve endured losses, gains, births, deaths, splits, and reconnections… we’ve been  through fire, hurricane, family crisis, money problems, and family dramas.  We’ve endured the ups and downs any relationship goes through and then some…

And still her eyes get that sparkle when she smiles at me, and our eyes meet and we connect deeper than the soul even.  When we come together in a hug, or in any way it is a completion, feeling whole again together, when apart we are just seperate parts of the same whole.

She is my other half and I am hers, and through it all I have always loved her with everything I am.  The thought of ever being without her is cripping, devastation, and I pray to God I never have to endure that…

And tomorrow I take her for my own legally, even though she is already my own, and I am hers… and tomorrow it is official in the eyes of the law, where it is already in our hearts.

For my beautiful new wife…. I love you so very much.

All I can say is Ugh. I literally sat and sobbed real tears over this….

Note to self: Don’t try to juggle a cell phone over a lap top… just let it hit the floor next time and don’t try to catch it.

photo by Crystal Boudreau.

Sometimes when I have an idea for a post, it sits and mulls in my head a while before I can actually sit down and write it out.  Such it has been with this subject: Letting Go.

I’ve always had issues with this myself, and I see it in others around me as well.  We don’t let go easily… whether it’s of old habits, people, comforts, or just to ‘keeping things the same’.  But life moves on and we can’t just keep holding on to the past, to the old, to the stuff that would clutter up our lives, our homes or our hearts even.

Past hurts are hart to let go of, sometimes.  Yet if we don’t we end up harboring them, and they grow and fester like wounds and infect us with resentment and negative feelings.  There are some things I still struggle with letting go of, those things that have hurt me or cut me the deepest, but for the most part I’m learning how to let go and move forward.  There is healing in doing so. There is healing in Forgiveness as well.   Forgiving doesn’t mean, necessarily continuing to let the person or thing into your life, but it’s letting go, accepting what is done is done and forgiving them and yourself for things.

Things don’t always go the way we hope, or the way we plan and harboring resentments and/or guilt, or sadness only makes us ill inside, emotionally.   The heart aches neverending in the places where these things hold on, like scars that heal over red and sore, never fading in time.  They can’t until Forgiveness like a salve heals them and turns the scar into a faded memory… thinning over time, and the memory of pain fades with it.

I have a few friends who have a struggle with people letting go.  These people have had problems with people from the past continually popping back into their life. It’s like all they have to do is ‘think’ of a person from the past and boom, they show up, or contact yet again, and not always is it welcome or wanted.  I don’t understand why people have such a hard time moving past things, moving past relationships, especially when there is damage done that even though there can be forgiveness, there is no going back, and sometimes it’s not even possible to start anything new, or start over.  It’s just best let go, and live and let live.

I have never been one to hold on to things like that. I believe that people come and go as they are meant to in our lives and we learn from our mistakes and as regrettable as they are there is no fix in carrying on things that are done and gone.  All we can do is forgive and move on in our own lives and try to live in a way to find peace or bring peace to others.  Carrying hate, regret, revenge or grudges only poisons us and makes us mean ugly people.

I try never to hate anyone, though I would be a hypocrite to say that I never have.  I have had and known a few people that I can honestly say I’ve hated.  There have only been about three total, that come to mind and one only for certain but that was a very evil person.  This man was evil and set out to harm others on purpose because their pain brought him pleasure, and I am not only talking emotional hurt… he was evil in more ways than one, but I still let it go, and moved on.  I can’t say I forgave, but I have managed to move past it all despite that, and it only crosses my mind occasionally… and only whenever someone asks that question ‘have you ever hated anyone?’

Letting go of emotions is harder.  Emotional pain I think is far worse than anything physical.  There are things that still hurt me emotionally, the scar still raw, that even with forgiveness, can still hit me with such harsh pain it doubles me over.  Yet I am trying and refuse to give up.  Grief is one of those emotions that once it gets its hold on you, it’s very very hard to let it go, but if you don’t/ can’t it can be damaging, crippling in so many ways.  Heartbreak is another such crippling emotion.  Learning to trust anyone again after such hurts can be so very hard… but I’m determined to live a happier life and get back to the Me I lost somewhere before Life kicked the shit out of me.

So I have had to learn to forgive, forget and move on…. and if it means letting go of people, it does. If it means letting go of memories, emotions, and letting wounds heal,than it does.  It’s for the best to live and let live… and if I don’t, then I have only myself to blame for any ensuing misery.

We have a choice to be happy or not. We have a choice what we let get to us and what affects us and how much. If

Photographer: Ferdinand Daniels: Getty Images

something hurts me; it is because I’ve let it.  The choice is mine and I have made it. Letting go of all of it… like setting off a handful of balloons into the atmosphere…

I’m letting go of the negative, of the bitternesses and of the bad in the past, and making way for only new in the future.

The same sex marriage debate continues, just as years ago it was a black and white issue, a race issue, this time it’s a sexuality issue… either way it amounts to discrimination and is a CIVIL rights issue.

The opponents to Gay Marriage use religion as their back up, their reasoning… but they seem to forget this country is not a solely CHRISTIAN country.  This country is a “FREE” country that is supposed to honor the beliefs of all, not just one group, and since when are Christians allowed to call the shots for EVERYONE?  How is that following the constitution.  Like it or not that’s the truth.

This is not a religious issue.  It’s a civil rights issue.  Courts/ state agencies issue marriage licenses, NOT churches!!  When a Christian tries to stomp on the rights of a Muslim they’re dealt justice.  When someone discriminates against someone of a different race, they face legal consequences!

Churches are seperate from state in this country  and that is how it’s supposed to be, so why should RELIGION dictate a state law!?

These ‘religious’ self righteous haters can’t even answer the question of why is it an issue to them in the first place? How does it affect Joe Christian if Jane Lesbian marries her partner of 12 years?  It DOESN’T.  All Joe Christian can do is spout the bible and religious beliefs and how it’s against “God”.  Well firstly it doesn’t state gays can’t marry in the bible.  It only says that SODOMY is a sin, and SODOMY is anal RAPE. Rape IS a crime and a sin and always should be, no matter if it’s anal or otherwise… so there’s that argument.

Not only that but who put Joe Christian in charge of gays’ salvation? That’s a personal issue, and one that is supposed to be protected by the right to religion in this country’s constitution.  Gays are not telling Christians ‘you have to perform our ceremonies in your churches’.  We don’t CARE to have our ceremonies in churches that discriminate against any of God’s children, because like it or not Gay people are still God’s children.

If God has issues with it, that will be dealt with in the end by HIS judgement, not by Man’s.  Man is not God’s JUDGE, and should not be.

Christians who spout hate only damage the reputation of all Christians too.  So, perhaps they need to consider this.  Christians have such a bad name for being judgemental, racist, ignorant dogmatic fanatics anymore that is it any wonder any one shudders at the term sometimes?

I am “Gay”.  I am marrying my partner of 9 years on June 20, and I don’t give a damn what any religion or relgious fanatic thinks.  It is MY life, not theirs. It is my family that needs the legal protection so that should something happen to me or my partner our children don’t suffer for it.

I know a friend of mine who was/is opposed to Gay Marriage for religious reasons, but when I explained this to him, he really had a change of heart in some ways. Maybe not a change of mind, but definitely a change of heart.

There is enough HATE in this world and it’s time to keep your religious views to yourself if it doesn’t affect YOU, and live and let LIVE.

These so called self righteous Christians need to remember what Jesus Would Do… he wouldn’t shun or deny anyone. He was an outkast himself.  Perhaps that’s why so many Gays are still followers of Christ, and refuse to call ourselves ‘Christian’.  Christ is love, and Christianity has shown it’self to be about hate, time and again.

My mind has been on life a lot lately, but also on death, and more specifically, Mortality– my own and others’.

In the past two weeks I’ve learned of the death of a woman my age, someone I knew, unexpectedly died, leaving behind her children and family stunned in grief.  I’ve learned about two of my schoolmates, only a year older than me, each being diagnosed with terminal cancer, both with children still growing up at home… and my heart aches.

I have a coworker who lost her 49 year old sister to cancer, a friend who lost her father to cancer, and all of this is only in the last couple of months’ time.

My own father passed away a year and a half ago, my step uncle passed away one year ago this weekend.  Is it any wonder mortality is on my mind?

We all take so much for granted.  We assume that we’ll see each other again, sooner or later and we usually do, but there are the moments that come when we don’t and then it impacts our grief that much more.

I never dreamed for one minute that as I came in from a 16 hour day at a new job, and kissed my dad goodnight on his bristly cheek, that it would be the last time I’d see him alive.  I never thought the last place I’d see Uncle David would be at my father’s funeral.

I have gained a new appreciation for life, but I too am guilty of taking those I love for granted, we’re only weak humans after all, we could never be so constant truthfully.  We are human, the very fact sets us up to fail at some things.

I try really hard to remember how fragile life is, and not leave things with others on bad terms.  And I try harder these days to show in my actions how I care about people, so that even worse comes to worse, they will not question if I loved them and I know that those I love will know that I have loved them.

This awareness of Mortality has brought some problems for me however; it has caused me anxiety attacks that are nearly crippling at their worst moments.  The very thought of losing my fiancee or my children or anyone close to me sets me into a sheer panic so strong I can’t breathe. I woke up last night gasping with sobs over a dream of my father in the casket, and I tried to hug him, but he was dead and felt hard like stone… and it set off the panic in me and I woke up sobbing.

So tonight before I go to sleep I will as I always do, let my mind go to places where the ones I love are and pray for their well being, and sleep knowing I loved, and tried my best to not take this Life for granted and hope that the bad dreams stay away.

Ever notice how somethings that are certain colors simply suit those colors perfectly?

Sunshine is yellow/orange… could you really imagine it being any other color?

And Lemon… Lemon is so perfectly yellow in taste! In biting into a Lemon Starburst candy I realized that fully and savored the yellow on my tongue as long as the candy lasted before it dissolved. I simply understand the advertisement for skittles now in their ‘Taste the Rainbow’…

Oranges are as well so suited to their name.  Grapes deep and purple, remind me of a wonderful Bordeaux, hearty and rich.

In just over a month, on June 20, my partner and I will be tying the knot, legally and officially in our barefoot ‘white’ wedding, making our union legal and safeguarding our family for better or worst.  White, the color of weddings, fits so perfect, for pure is Love unconditional, and a  new start should begin with white, new and clean…

I see Life in colors, always have. I relate everything to color.  Pain is red and orange.  Joy is a luscious brilliant green or yellow.  Love is deep rose and pink, with white along the outside.

I’ve been gifted with the ‘ability’ to see people’s auras so perhaps this is one reason that I find color so fascinating and why I see the world and every aspect of it, physical and nonphysical in such vivid living color.

What colors are in your world?

Today I have a lot of time on my hands, free for just me if I choose… a rare thing.  I work a full time job and we (my partner and I) have four kids we raise and run to and fro from various activities.  She does most of the running but I do try to help with it when I’m not working.

Last night was a strange night.  I was awakened at 1:00 am by a “Restricted” number calling my phone.  I answered and the first time, there was no one there.  The second time, two minutes later, the line was still open and I could hear there was someone there, but they hung up without a word.  My mind is still puzzling over it.  Either way I slept rough the rest of the night, my mind worried over who would have been attempting to phone me in the middle of the night.  I never get phone calls in the middle of the night, unless for dire emergencies.

I may never know. It could have just been a misdial, a wrong number.  Yet it started my mind going, and it hasn’t stopped since.

Today I’ve been doing a lot of self evaluation, contemplation, reflection.  I’m not happy with ‘me’. I don’t like the person looking back at me from the mirror. So how could anyone else?

The Hidden Me. Photo by Crystal Boudreau.

Ten years ago, I was a carefree (mostly), confident person, happy in my life, my children, with the woman I had just met online and fell head over heels for in the midst of seperating and divorcing from my first marriage.  I was into music, singing and dancing, writing songs, playing them, and music really centered myself.  It was as if I drew my very life force and energy from the music… which was constant in my life. Everywhere I went I had music on, or was singing. I wrote songs in my head in my sleep, doing dishes, driving down the highway.

I felt JOY, real JOY in myself, in those around me, and I was freshly in love as well.  Life was good.

Somewhere over the next 9 years, I’ve lost me.  I’ve lost the music as well.  I find myself doing what others need or expect. I do what I have to to get through the days, and not much brings me personal Joy.

I have Joy in my life. I have four beautiful kids and my partner is still by my side and I’m still mad about her, though time has worn us both down in many ways, even in our relationship.  There are some things we still have to work through, as is true for any couple. But the fact remains that there is no better thing to me than waking up with my arms around her, my face buried in her hair.

But I still am unfulfilled personally.  I don’t have any confidence and it shows in my face, in my walk, in my eyes.  I feel beaten and I don’t like it.  I’m tired and I don’t like it.  I feel bored and dull like a faded photograph on a wall that has had too much sun and weathering beating upon it.  Faded out.

I never used to care what others thought of me because I was genuinely happy in myself, no matter how outlandish I appeared to others. I dressed wildly.. wild colors and prints.. my hair dyed whatever color I felt the whim for… and styled usually as wild and carefree as I felt.  I was young and I FELT young and I lived YOUNG.

Now I’m approaching 40 next year and I’m still told I don’t look a day over 30 on a good day.  Yet my physical health by doctor’s standards is probably more towards 50, even though I don’t smoke anymore and don’t hardly drink.

Its almost ironic that I felt physically better back when I abused my body.  Yet too I know those abuses catch up to us and have contributed to today’s unhealthiness.  So I try to fix it.

I’m determined to find “ME” again.. the happy go lucky, confident, sometimes cocky and arrogant  person lost somewhere in this mess of obligation, grief, and life’s kicks.  I have been kicked down so many times but I keep getting back up, but it seems like the kicks have more and more knocked the wind out of me and I’m not getting up so quickly anymore and I’m suffering for it and so are those I love.

I can only hope I can be strong enough to find me again, and not let the fear, the insecurity rule me and pull me back under.  I know that I’m in here somehwere…… maybe the music could help pull me free of it all again……..

I have tried to sit and write off and on all day, but keep deleting and backspacing over what I’ve written.  Nothing seems to want to come out right.

I’ve had an emotional couple of days and something inside me I think has snapped, like a rubber band and somehow, I can’t seem to wrap words around it all without them coming out wrong, or sounding very angry, or very hurt, or something like that.

Insecurities are ruling me, but nothing new there.  I do a good job of hiding my insecurities from the outside world, but those closest to me, or the one closest to me ends up seeing them the most and gets the brunt of them the most, and is it any wonder that she’s fed up with them, regardless that I can not help my screwed up self.

I have never felt good about myself, and feel like I really don’t have a reason to do so.  No one can seem to tell me WHY I should feel attractive.. they can’t name anything about me that is attractive about me.  No one can seem to tell me why I shouldn’t feel fat. I am. I am and have always been ‘fluffy’ as my father so well put it.  I hate my appearance… my fat/chubby self… my lazy crossed eye, and how can I feel anything but UGLY with it?

Normally I don’t post this personal on here, but it is MY place, and so you gotta have it all, the good the bad and the UGLY.

I feel worthless, most of the time. I feel ugly, fat and unloveable, and I don’t feel or see much reason to feel differently.

Perhaps this is just a battle with my Depression, which is cycling round on me, and I’m sure that’s part of it and I’m sure people are tired of dealing with it, but how do they think I feel? I don’t enjoy this roller coaster one little bit either.

I’d rather not have spent all my day weeping til my eyes are so swollen they feel like they’re barely able to open, like dry golf balls in the sockets.   I hit bottom today and I snapped totally though no one had to witness that.  I let it loose down the highway…. speeding my way to whatever God had in mind for me and accepting it if I should lose control of the vehicle at the same moment I was losing control of my emotions.

I am an expert at hiding all this from EVERYONE outside my ‘family’.  And sometimes I’m pretty good at hiding it from my family as well.  There are still things inside me that are hidden there, unspoken, unsaid, unrevealed simply because what would be the point of releasing any more of it?

So I snapped… like a big fat rubber band, and now I’ll be ok for a while again… as I always am….

But inside I’m still crying, and craving some deeper comfort for which I won’t ask, won’t expect and won’t get.

Tonight I’m fighting a struggle inside.  I’ve had so much going on around me and so much inside me that lately it feels like a battle of positives and negatives all around… dark and light, plus and minus, good vs. bad.

Everyone is having struggles, and so are we, but I am trying so hard to maintain a positive attitude, despite everything around me.

In the news of course there is negative story after negative story… anything from three semis crashing today to Texas Republicans popping off their treasonous mouths about ’seceding’ from the nation.  There isn’t a lot of positive in the news these days at all.  There’s a lot of finger pointing and a lot of bitching and complaining.

At home I listen to the bitching and griping around me, and at work I hear customers complain about the economy or this or that.  My coworkers, for the most part help maintain a very positive environment around us… we joke, smile, and try to keep things light.

Everywhere else in the world it has been very hard to do that. The negativity is burning me out.

Life has handed a lot of people lemons… but you can choose what to do with the lemons life hands you.  Make Lemonade, as the cliche goes… or better yet… make a battery….

Come on Laugh. You know you wanna.  I just need some positivity… or I feel like I am going to burst.